Prank Club
by Dreamchylde
Summary: No one talks about Prank Club! What do you offer Rachel in a contest to cause the most havoc? An uninterrupted week with Jazz! And what does Rachel do to ensure her success? Move over Sideswipe. There is a new prankster in the Ark and no one is safe!


A/N: _My late April Fool's Day story. I'm not entirely sure where this came from, I read a blurb about the book 'Fight Club' by Chuck Palahniuk and somehow that gave me inspiration to write this. _

If you are new to my stories and are curious, I have a write up for Rachel on my profile page.

Summary: Points for the most pranks completed and to the most creative prank pulled, and the Lamborghini Twins learn the hard way why it's not good to bet with Rachel. JazzxRachel fluff!

_Italics_ used for internal dialogue and emphasised words.

/ is used for comlink transmissions.

Constructive criticism is welcomed and reviews are loved.

**Prank Club**

_"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a **fool** of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." – Anon._

We stood in a clearing far enough away from the Ark to avoid Red Alert's ever-constant area scans while the theme from Mission Impossible filled the air. I groaned loudly as I realized exactly what day it was and why the devil-spawned red Lamborghini had us meet out here.

Speaking of the mech, Sideswipe grinned like the Cheshire Cat with his stack of data pads that he dealt out to the four of us lucky - or unlucky – accomplices. Jazz and Sunstreaker flipped on their data pads eagerly, while Bluestreak and I hesitantly accessed them. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it..." The theme music grew louder. "Is to prank as many of the Autobots as you can within the next twenty-four jours. You will see on your respective data pads how the points system works and which mechs will give you the most points if you can successfully pull off the prank. The more creative the prank the more points you will receive. Getting caught in the middle of a prank will cost you points. Getting caught twice will expel you from the game. Getting tossed into the brig will not only expel you from the game, but we will sell you out to Prowl. Mech with the most points wins."

He finished handing out the data pads and his golden twin handed him a different data pad. "You are not to share the information on your data pad with anyone else or work together as a team to accomplish a prank. Everyone's data pad is different and each one has at least one member of this group on it. Any questions?"

I raised my hand as I read over the contents of my data pad. "We have to accomplish all of these pranks in twenty-four hours?"

"As many as you can. Winner gets his weights worth of high-grade."

I looked up at the smirking Lamborghini. "What if we don't _want_ any high-grade?"

"Good point. What do you want if you win?"

It was my turn to grin as I leaned against Jazz's warm armor, "All of Jazz's shifts to be covered for the next week."

The Saboteur chuckled as he reached down and stroked my hair, "Bet y're jealous that I'm worth more than my weight in high-grade."

Golden and crimson Lamborghini's looked at each other in contemplation. "Five days of extra shifts? That's a lot to ask, Rachel."

"Seven days. A week on Earth is _seven_ days." I wanted to giggle at the thought of having Jazz to myself for a whole week.

"Three days."

Ah, the love of bargaining. "Seven days. 168 jours."

"Four days."

"Six days."

The Lamborghini Twins grumbled in defeat. "Fine. Five days, and no more." They looked at Jazz and Bluestreak. "And remember, no one talks about Prank Club."

Mwhahaha. This was going to be fun.

* * *

**Prank Victim Number One: Ironhide**

The Weapons Specialist was one of the favorite targets for age-related jokes.

And 95 percent of the time the Twins were the source of the jokes and pranks on the trigger-happy mech. But today it was open season on him, and the better the age-related prank the more points you could earn; and the pranks on the 'bot started the moment we arrived back at the Ark. Mech-sized canes started to appear everywhere the black Topkick went, like leaning against the table where he was sitting or on Teletraan 1's consol while he perused over the new gun designs from Cybertron. But it was only after Ironhide went to the firing range did the extent of prank come to light.

Someone had rigged his favorite plasma cannon to misfire and expel human-sized canes.

The bellow in frustration rang throughout the Ark and the hallways cleared as the massive mech barreled towards the med bay. I cringed as the doors were nearly ripped from their hinges as Ironhide plowed through them. "RATCHET!"

The grouchy medic looked at the doors to his med bay as they swayed haphazardly back and forth before turning a dark look on the Weapons Specialist. "What's got your tailpipe in a twist?"

Taking cover behind my desk, I tried to put as much distance between the furious mech and myself as he disengaged and dropped his cannons roughly on the nearest table. "Some dirty slagger thought t'was funny ta jam up mah guns wit' those sticks humans use ta walk wit'! An' Ah bet a weeks worth o' credits tha' it was those slaggin' Twins!"

I peeked over the top of my desk as Ratchet picked up one of the huge plasma cannons and looked it over before attaching it to his forearm and activating its firing protocols. The cannon whirred to life as Ratchet aimed for a blank wall in the bay and fired.

There was no blast. No smell of ozone that came from most of the plasma weapons. There wasn't even a mark left on the far wall.

There _was_ a spray of what looked to be splintered wood that spewed from the business end of the cannon. "Can ya fix 'em quickly? Ah want ta get after those two now."

Ratchet gave the Weapons Specialist a dry glare. "No, I can't fix them right now. I have other work that needs to be done."

With angry wide optics Ironhide started to protest, but the grouchy medic only held up his hand. "I can't, end of story."

I tread carefully across the room towards the two mechs. "Is there something I could do to help?"

Bright blue optics focused on me. "Actually, there is," He set the cannon back on the table. "Open each chamber where the plasma cartridges are stored and pull the canes out. Ironhide will help you with the chambers that still hold the plasma charges so you don't get burned."

He moved my stairs over to the table with the cannons before he retreated into his office. I looked up at the irritated Ironhide and pointed to the first chamber with a nervous smile. "So what's behind door number one?"

--

Half and hour later, I had emptied both cannons and started to pick up the splintered canes from the floor of the med bay. Ironhide refitted his cannons and let them whir to life, testing them for anymore surprises. "Thank ya, Rachel. Some o' the 'bots around 'ere need ta take a lesson or two from ya 'bout bein' pleasant ta others."

I blushed. It was a rare moment that the trigger-happy mech actually complimented anyone. "You're welcome, Ironhide."

He left for the firing range just as Jazz walked through the med bay doors with a jaunty smile and hello. His fellow officer grunted in response and headed down the hallway. My favorite mech in the universe paused in the doorway as he watched Ironhide's retreating form, and then turned to look at me with an evil grin. Jazz sauntered over to where I stood with an armful of canes, which he plucked from my grasp. "I had heard that someone had messed up Ironhide's cannons and I wanted t' see if the rumor was true."

I stifled a giggle as I started to gather more of the canes. "Yeah. Someone thought wood and metal shards spewing from plasma cannons would be hilarious."

"Sounds like it," Jazz chuckled. "Any idea who did that?"

I shook my head, "Not a clue."

"And the other part?"

I looked up at that perfect smile and blinked innocently, "What other part?"

There was a twinkle in his azure visor and he giggled. "How did he end up wit' the sticker 'I'm a big BINGO winner at Shady Acres Senior Center' on his aft then?"

I bit my lip trying not to laugh, "I have no idea what you're talking about, love."

Jazz grinned at me. "Sure y' don't."

I stacked another armful of canes in the growing pile. "So, since neither of us know where that came from… How long do you think it will take before someone asks him what Bingo is and why he hangs out at Shady Acres?"

* * *

**Prank Victim Number Two: Red Alert**

The device was easy enough to make – the hard part would be getting it to work the way I needed it to work. I accessed the security camera feeds from the med bay and tried to record the small windows of time I would need to pull this prank. Unfortunately, the best I could get were twenty-second feeds for the cameras I needed to by pass.

I had also inadvertently caught the attention of my victim while I was working.

/"Red Alert to Rachel. Is there something I can help you with?"/

/"Oh. Hi Red. I'm just looking for Jazz. He said he was on his way to the med bay awhile ago."/

The Security Director did not sound pleased. /"You do realize you can contact him over the intercom, Rachel. The cameras are specifically for security purposes."/

/"I know. But I'm _bored_, Red. Ratchet isn't due back for another hour and I'm stuck watching the med bay alone. I've already organized everything that I can reach and I have finished this week's inventory. You want me to upload the lists to you?"/

/"I would appreciate that, Rachel. But in the future I would ask that you use the intercom to locate Jazz or any of the others on board."/

/"Sorry, Red. I wasn't even thinking that I was putting the Ark in danger by using the cameras."/ I rolled my eyes.

/"Thank you, Rachel. Red Alert out."/

It wasn't exactly getting caught. It was more like proving theorems.

--

I ran along the walls of the hallways overriding the camera feeds with the small recorded video I had gathered earlier. I had to get to the dormitories without being spotted and then back with my cargo through the Ark to predetermined spots.

If I had seriously thought this plan through before I attempted it, I would have probably given up in the early stages.

When I reached the dormitories and the room I needed to break into, I pressed my ear to the door in hopes I would be able to tell if its occupants were gone. There were no blasts or fighting sounds or music being played, so I quickly used the override code and entered the room. The lights were on but no one was home and it was very evident by the condition of the room who lived in what corners.

One side was pristine with pictures of both Cybertronian and Earth landscapes adorning the walls and a neatly stacked pile of the soft fluffy towels on a clean recharge berth - Sunstreaker's side of the room was the complete opposite of his twin's. Sideswipe's side was a cluttered mess. Empty energon cubes littered the top of his desk along with tools and numerous human gaming consoles. An oversized flat screen TV ruled over one wall and there were piles of DVD's and Playstation games spilled out in front of the screen like worshippers praying to their god.

I glanced around the room quickly – I needed to get the object needed for my prank before the residents of the room came back. _Aha!_ Over there by the Xbox sat the oversized 'prop' I needed. I ran over and picked it up with a grunt; I had forgotten that it was as tall as me and weighed a lot.

Hefting one of its arms over my neck, I dragged it out of the room and ran down the empty hallway. At the junction between the dormitories and Section A, I overrode the camera feed and propped my gray 'friend' up against the wall. Exiting the camera range, I let it record the 'visitor' to the Ark and then ran back to get it. Dodging through the halls and accessing some of the storage holds, I proceeded to give my new 'friend' a grand tour of the base all the while recording the feed for later playback.

When I thought I had enough screen shots from my tour, I snuck my gray 'friend' back into the Twin's room and rushed to the med bay, ready to do some video editing.

--

The finished copy came out better than I expected as I ran the video feed through my wireless Teletraan 1 once more and I giggled as I imagined what Red Alert's response would be to our gray 'visitor'.

I grabbed the wireless and ducked into Ratchet's office, "I'm going to take a break, Ratchet."

He waved me away with little notice and I nearly skipped down to Teletraan 1's main control room. This prank had to ensure that I won this contest and that I'd get Jazz all to myself for five whole days.

I reached the door to the control room and stopped suddenly as I heard the voices of who was in the room. Jazz was in there with Red Alert, but so was Optimus Prime and Prowl.

The stakes in the game were just raised exponentially.

I sighed and leaned against the wall. All that work and time spent was futile and lost.

Or maybe it wasn't…

My ears pricked up when I heard Optimus Prime and Jazz explaining April Fool's Day to the Second in Command and the Security Officer.

Karma must have been smiling on me right then.

I put on my best smile and walked into the room, "Hey guys? Mind if I borrow Jazz for a little while?"

Optimus Prime's kindly blue optics smiled at me. "Good morning, Rachel. Jazz and I were just explaining the meaning of April Fool's Day to Prowl and Red Alert."

Jazz gave me that disarming smile of his. "Tryin' t' explain, but Prowler and Red 'don't see the logic' of a holiday jus' for playin' tricks and pranks."

I looked at Optimus, Prowl and Red Alert and smiled as I activated the video uplink of our gray 'visitor with my wireless. "Well… its thought to be part of the vernal equinox festivities -"

Claxons started to ring throughout the Ark as the doctored video feed picked up the 'intruders'.

Red Alert spun around, his optics running over his precious security cameras as they focused on the numerous gray aliens appearing all over the Ark. "We've been breached! They're everywhere! We need to act now, Optimus, before they overrun the entire Ark!"

The Autobot leader placed a calm hand on the fritzing mech's shoulder and leaned in to get a better look at the screens. Prowl peered over Red Alert's shoulder as well at the mysteriously floppy gray alien that was haphazardly propped against walls, doorways, boxes and even Optimus Prime's desk in his office.

The Tactician turned his confused attention back to Optimus, "Shall I get a search party together to find these intruders?"

At first it was a low noise, almost imperceptible over the alarms, but then it grew into a deep chuckle, and then into a rolling baritone laugh as Optimus Prime zoomed the camera in on one of the stuffed intruders.

Red Alert turned to the Autobot leader with a petrified look across his faceplate. "This- this is no laughing matter, Optimus!"

Optimus Prime turned off the claxons while still laughing. "It would seem that the joke is on you, Red Alert. Your intruders are nothing but toys of what most humans believe aliens look like. You can search for the reference on their internet under 'gray aliens'."

"A joke? This is a joke? But- but-" The Security Director spluttered, "We can't condone behavior like this just for a- a human _holiday_!"

The Autobot leader clapped the red and white Lamborghini on the back before he left the room, "Happy April Fool's Day, Red Alert."

The mech twitched while Prowl glanced between the retreating form of Optimus Prime and the monitors that were still playing the video loops with the stuffed alien. His calm azure optics settled on me and I tried to keep my features as placid as possible. "I still do not understand why humans find tricks and pranks like these to be funny."

I shrugged, "Sometimes you have to let your hair down, Prowl."

I received another strange look, "Cybertronians do not have hair."

"It's just a phrase meaning you need to relax once in a while."

He nodded noncommittally as the video loop cleared up, "I see."

I turned to peer up at Jazz with a sweet smile. "Feel like a break from all this excitement?"

He smirked knowingly at me, "I do. Race y' t' the lounge?"

I tucked my wireless under my arm securely and dashed out the door for a quick lead, "You're on!"

By the time we made it to the lounge, we were falling over on each other giggling madly like children. Jazz was the first to quell his laughing enough to speak, "Y' dragged that thing all over the Ark?"

I wrapped my arms around my waist and cried, my body shaking so hard that I needed to lean against Jazz's leg for support. I tried to look up at him, but every time I did sent me into a fresh burst of giggles.

He patted my back as I started to hiccup, "And y' got Prowl as well!"

I gave a cursory glance around and hoarsely choked out, "_No one talks about prank club!_ But I'm going to win no matter what!"

The most disarming smile ever created beamed at me. "Y' want me all t' y'rself for an entire week? Whatever will we do wit' all that free time?"

I grinned mischievously at him as visions of watching stars with him every night and long drives during the days clouded my mind, "Don't worry, I'll think of something."

* * *

**Prank Victim Number Three: Ratchet**

With my soda in one hand and my mouse in the other, I scanned through the Cybertronian medical guides looking for an idea to use as a prank for my favorite medical officer. There had to be _something_ I could do relatively quickly to prank Ratchet before one of the others could. I flicked off the screen and glanced around the med bay searching for anything that would be innocuous but not detrimental to the functioning of the medical services in case there was an attack.

And then I saw it.

The perfect item ever created to use in a prank on Ratchet.

I rubbed my hands together and snickered evilly, reveling in the thought that the Lamborghini boys would be pulling extra shifts to cover Jazz for a whole week. I skipped over to the main storage closet and opened the doors to the plethora of goodies that were hidden inside. I grabbed a bin with a giddy hop in my step and proceeded to push it past the shelving units pulling out the equipment that I needed for my twisted adventure.

--

"So who's brilliant idea was it to play football in the mud?" Ratchet eyed the dripping mess of grass and slopping dirt across the floor in his med bay.

Windcharger gave a sheepish shrug as he helped the limping Bumblebee up on a table, "We were bored and it seemed like a good idea at the time."

The grouchy medic scowled as he started to probe the wounded knee joint of the yellow 'bot, "You're picking up Sideswipe's bad habits."

"Hey! No need for name calling, Ratchet."

"Hmmph." Ratchet wiped the muddy mess off his fingers and instinctively reached over to the tray that held his tools for his coveted wrench. Not finding it in its usual spot, he felt around the tray for the wrench, allowing his fingers to ghost over each tool in search of it – but it wasn't on the tray.

The grumpy medic turned to glare at the harmless shelf as if it had something to do with the tool's disappearance, but it didn't cower under his gaze. Bright blue optics scanned the nearby tables for his favorite wrench; maybe he didn't put it back on the tray…

Bumblebee tilted his head to one side curiously, "Something wrong, Ratchet?"

He grumbled and looked under the table and found it on the floor a few feet away from him. He walked over to it and bent down to pick the wrench up…

… And it promptly skittered to the other side of the med bay.

The grouchy medic paused for a nano-klik and counted to ten, "When I get my hands on those two…"

"Ratchet, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He snapped at the two filthy minibots as he straightened and walked over to where his wrench was.

He leaned down to pick it up off the floor again it shot back across the floor and skidded to a stop by his office. Very purposefully he stood up and strode over to where the innocuous wrench sat on the floor, almost like it was mocking him _'pick me up, pick me up'_. Ratchet mashed his lips together and reached for the wrench… and it went careening across the floor again.

By now the minibots were watching in dread as the Hatchet stomped after the wayward wrench as it played its dangerous game of 'keep away'. Windcharger had crawled up onto the table where Bumblebee sat in hopes that if they stayed out of the way they would make it out of the med bay in one piece.

Ratchet continued to chase after his misbehaving wrench, yelling every colorful Cybertronian and Earth curse he knew at it. It slid just out of his reach by the med bay doors, bouncing off the titanium plating and spinning to a stop slightly off-kilter.

With a triumphant noise, Ratchet reached down to pick the tool up from where it had landed just as the doors opened, which knocked the grouchy medic face first into the floor, setting the runaway wrench back on its wheels and propelling itself across the floor… again.

"Ratchet?" Prowl stepped into the med bay confused as to why Ratchet was on the floor and why there were two petrified minibots huddled on a table.

"WHAT?!"

The ever-level Tactician held out his hand to help the grouchy medic to his feet. "Do you require some assistance?"

Ratchet took the offered hand and stood up. "I want those Lamborghinis in here so I can turn them into modern art!"

"What have they done this time?"

He was so angry now that the only response Ratchet could give was to point rabidly at the tool on the floor. "THAT!!"

Prowl looked at the wrench on the floor, then at the frightened minibots and back at the enraged medic. There had to be some _logical_ reason to the entire situation regardless of how bizarre it seemed. He tread lightly in the Sharkticon infested waters, "Would you like me to retrieve the wrench for you?"

Ratchet threw his hands up into the air and stormed over to the terror-stricken minibots.

Wondering if the medic had finally lost it, Prowl carefully walked over to the wrench on the floor and looked at it for a moment. It seemed like a normal tool. He looked at the nearby wall; there were too many dents in it to determine if Ratchet had thrown it in anger recently. Not seeing anything out of the ordinary, the Tactician reached down to pick up the tool… and it skittered happily away from his hand. _So that's what Ratchet was upset about._

/"Sunstreaker and Sideswipe report to the med bay."/

--

"But we didn't do anything!" Sideswipe pleaded his case to Prowl while Sunstreaker watched the minibots help chase after the runaway tool. Even the Daffodil of Destruction had to admit that this was a creative prank.

"I want this nonsense to stop right now." Prowl gave the Twins his patented disapproving parent glare.

"How? We're innocent of this!"

"Retrieve it." Prowl pointed at the wrench as it skittered under one of the larger shelving units. "Now."

Sideswipe pouted as he turned and headed towards the shelves, "This is _so_ not fair."

There was the sound of a little engine revving before the tool zoomed out from its hiding spot, darting between Sideswipe's legs and knocking him off-balance and into his brother's side.

Sunstreaker yelled and shoved his twin off of him. "Watch the paint job!"

The med bay had become a literal circus with a red and a golden Lamborghini chasing after the wrench, two minibots trying to help catch the wrench _and_ stay out of the way of the larger mechs, Ratchet bellowing at the top of his vocalizer about the state of his med bay, and the Tactician rubbing his temples as a headache from the Pit swarmed his sensors.

The med bay doors opened and the runaway tool came to an abrupt stop as it hit Optimus Prime's foot. The Autobot leader picked up the wrench and looked around the room curiously, "I heard a racket in here. Is everything okay?"

Two sullen Lamborghinis glared at each other as Ratchet stormed across the med bay and held his hand out for his wrench. "Everything is fine now."

"Good." Optimus turned his attention to his Second in Command. "I'd like to speak to you if you have a moment."

Prowl didn't need a second invitation and the two left the med bay. Once the doors shut, the Tactician visibly relaxed. "Before the next meta-cycle passes, I am requesting a ban on all April Fool's Day pranks."

The Autobot leader laughed, "A little levity never hurt anyone and it's good for morale."

"I don't see how playing tricks on the senior officers is good for 'morale'."

"It levels the playing field and everyone is reminded that even the officers are just as fallible as the next mech."

Prowl stopped in the middle of the hallway with a puzzled look on his faceplate. "Were you on the receiving end of a prank today?"

Optimus Prime shook his head. "No."

"Strange, all the other senior staff had pranks played on them, except…" There was a faint trace of a smile on Prowl's face.

/"Prowl to Jazz, where is your current location?"/

/"Hey Prowler. I'm in Communications, is somethin' up?"/

/"Please stay there until Optimus and I arrive."/

/"Sure thing."/

--

I giggled maniacally as drove my 'remote-controlled' wrench around the med bay. This had played out better than I anticipated as I watched the mayhem I was wrecking with just a handful of spare parts.

Jazz sat in the chair in front of the Communications monitor chortling as we watched the fiasco on Red Alert's security cameras. "That's my girl. Y' got Ratchet, Prowl and the Twins wit' jus' one prank."

I turned to grin mischievously at him. "I think I have Prank Club's contest in the bag. All I need is the final prank."

"Final prank? Even after all that, y' have one more t' pull off?"

"Mmm-hmm. Just one more and I'll have destroyed any competition I had." I smiled sweetly at Jazz as I set the controller on the consol. "Then I can collect my prize, which is partially your prize as well. Five whole days all to ourselves."

"Y' sure the Hatchet will let y' take that much time off?"

"Oh, I'm positive he will." I slid off the consol. "I'm going to go grab a soda, okay?"

"Sure thing, I'm not goin' anywhere any time soon." The disarming smile spread across his face, "Jus' make sure y' come back."

"I will. Time spent with you is still wonderful, even if it's just watching Communications with you." I strolled out into the hallway humming to myself as I headed for the lounge. I yawned and stretched some of the kinks out of my back; it had been a very active and rewarding day and I was going to enjoy the rest of it to the fullest, including a night of stargazing with Jazz.

--

Jazz had his feet up on the consol and his fingers laced up behind his head when Optimus and Prowl entered Communications. "Somethin' I can help y' gentlemech's wit'?"

The Autobot leader chuckled, "Prowl believes you have something to do with today's pranks, Jazz."

"Moi?" The Saboteur sat up slightly in the chair, but didn't remove his feet from the consol. "Why would I have anythin' t' do wit' that?"

Prowl walked over to the consol and glanced with little interest at the monitors, "Because you are the only officer who was not on the end of a prank today."

"Really? Hmm, maybe whoever is pullin' the pranks hasn't got t' me yet," He shrugged. "Or maybe they aren't goin' t' try because they know I'll see any trick comin' my way first."

The Tactician turned a mild glare at Jazz, "I highly doubt that."

Jazz put his feet on the floor and gave Prowl a wounded look. "Y' don't think I'd see a prank from Sunny or 'Sides comin' from a mile away?"

"No, I don't think you would need to see anything from them." The Tactician held up the remote control between his fingers. "Forget to destroy the evidence, Jazz?"

Jazz's mouth open and shut repeatedly; he wanted to laugh but he kept his emotions in check. His sweet and innocent Rachel got him with her final prank and sealed her win in the Prank Club. Not that he minded much – her win was his win, but he knew it would probably be a few days before she could collect on it. His punishment would be fairly minor since there was little damage done. He _would_ need to avoid Ratchet and probably the Twin terrors for a while, but in the end it was worth it.

Five days and nights alone with his girl to do whatever they pleased was worth a thousand lectures from the Hatchet.

Ironhide stomped into Communications and crossed his massive arms over his chest, "What the frak is 'bingo'?"

_Oh, slag…_

* * *

Just a wee bit of explaining:

In my story '_101 Things To Do Before You Die'_, Rachel and Jazz are on vacation and are being followed by Sunstreaker, Sideswipe and Bluestreak. First place our caravan travels to is Roswell, New Mexico, where Rachel gets a giant stuffed gray alien for Sideswipe. So that's where our gray 'visitor' from another world comes from.


End file.
